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Noell R. Jessie

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Whats Been Going On [18 Sep 2004|07:31pm]
[ mood | mellow ]

I know i havent updated in forever...unfortunatly ive been more concentrated on xanga...and school of coarse...which is almost over thank god..but anyway heres the update.

Im alone for the weekend unless i go home which i probably will do cause it will get my mind off things for a while. Alyssas in Fresno at a tournament. I have finals starting Monday. Im scared. i dont know what to do...im not gonna pass all my classes i already know that...but they have a hold on my registration ... i think its because i havent been able to pay my loan payments...the week i have off im gonna do my best to find a job...no matter what kinda job it is...at this point i cant be that picky. im proud of myself for getting this far. and im proud that i am actually getting things done. but next term i will pass all of my classes. Especially the ones that i didnt pass this term. i miss fredo steph and ty.... i want to see them...i hope that fredo and steph come to see me this weekend....that would make me happy....i cant go to luis' birthday dinner cause i dont have the money. My dad wouldnt give it to me and its not fair for me to ask my mom. I feel horrible about that....i told him that i would be there no matter what....i never knew that my dad was gonna revert back to his ways....

speaking of my dad...they think my dad might have had a ceazure...so they are gonna do an EKG today to see if hes prone to them...i still think its all the drinking that he does....hes not suppost to be driving right now...or drinking...and hes doing both..

Michael went to vegas with Anthony this weekend....he doesnt tell me things anymore....i guess i have to ask everything now....we were growing apart again...and it hurts....i feel like im loosing myself.....i dont wanna loose hime....i want to be by his side alywas....and deep down inside i know that he will always be by mine...whenever i needed him he would be there. thats how i know that im going crazy.....if i know that he will always be there for me why do i still think that we are growing so far apart and that i am loosing him? it makes no sesne.

So the only think left to do for school is one page of simple layouts and bind them together....and catch up on my paintings....and i have until thursday to do all of that. i might do my layouts for Intro to ID.... but i havent decided yet...im gonna go talk to my educational coach today and see what he says...but with everything else im doing pretty good. I need to read and stuff make photo copies of the pages i need to study so i can sell back the books that way i will have some cash...thats exciting...LOL....i just hope that the registration hold is something i can solve...not my loan payments. i will die if its my loan payments.

As you all can see im back to Katherine Moennig....i think shes still a hottie...and an awesome actress... you will know her from The L Word....and earlier in Young Americans....so this will be the new layout for at least the next couple weeks as i will be much too busy to change anything....

The current song is Under Appreciated by Christina Aguilera......again how i feel about my dad...everything isnt good enough for him...its his way or the highway....and i refuse to go with that....im sorry...but its my life and i will do what i choose to do....i dont care if you get mad or not.

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[06 Aug 2004|11:52am]
[ mood | calm ]

hahhahah yes my cell phone got turned off...thats what happens when a stupid ass like myself quits her job...she has no money to pay bills...oh well...i was expecting it...now i have to deal with the wrath of my father...again expected....today i went job hunting...it went ok...we will see tomorrow when i call this guy....

So my baby left again yesterday...*sad face*...oh well.... its only the weekend.. and i got to stay with her the other night so its all good... shes such a sweetheart...we were eating dinner last night and she gets up and all up a sudden i hear like this wierd noise...kinda like shes shaving ice...hahahahha well what she was doing was rearanging the magnets on her fridge...they now say "i heart noell" .... isnt she the cutest... *sigh*... its amazing how fast im falling for her...its really scary too... i dont want to end up hurt like i did last time... that would ruin me. But i have faith in her... and she tells me how much she likes me all the time so thats a plus... ugh... i wrote some poems today about her...but ill post them later...im doing some stuff for school right now and i wanted to stop and post.

so here it is...

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[27 Jul 2004|05:01pm]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

so theres this girl named alyssa..shes a friend of rachels..and when i first met her i automatically thought she was attractive and her personality was wonderful...but at the time she was with someone...well i recently found out she was no longer with her..so i started talking to her..and we went to santa monica and had a GREAT day!...then talked to her online that night..some flirting was done and we decided that we were both cool enough to see each other again..so i met her at starbucks after school the next day...we sat there and talked about random shit...it was really nice...we can keep a conversation going and it actually be interesting and have depth...so then we went to her place and sat there and talked some more..again interesting...we looked at her cd collection and some pictures...by this point theres was definate tension...so she made the first move...and i was wonderful...like there are no words to describe...ugh..it was jsut great...im suprised she made the first move though...i wasnt sure if she was intrested in me which is the reason i didnt make the first move....but it turns out she is...so we spent the rest of the day together...and i guess made it "official"... so we talked more when i got home that night...and i went over there today and we just hung out it was great...although once i get there i dont want to leave...it takes me forever to leave...god her kisses are to die for...i could just stay there in her arms kissing her beautiful lips...eventually i get up the strength to lave...but tis only because i know ill see her tomorrow...which im really looking forward to..hehehhehe and she might get to meet the gumbies and the boi...so thats exciting...i hope she likes everyone...i would love it if she would hang out with us...that would be awesome...ughhh...i guess her liking them and liking to hang out with them (why does that not sound right to me?) is important to me. probably becuase they mean so much to me...they are my life...i would be nothing without them and am eternally gratefully that i have them. anyways...Fredo is with Ky...thats freakin exciting too!...its about time that gorgeous hunk of boi (not man but boi) got himself a man....a good man at that....hahahhahahah they are cute....hopefully ky will start hanging out with us too! heheheh god im korny...at least i know someone likes it...hahahhaha alright im done for now...maybe more later...oh yes more later about MARUKAI... the hell hold that was my job...yes i said was....

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[25 Jul 2004|10:05pm]
[ mood | excited ]

ok so today is the day of days...hung out with alyssa all day....it was wonderful...shes so freakin funny .... i gonna see her tomorrow too hahaha how exciting...but yeah im tired not updating too much...later later...bye!

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[23 Jul 2004|10:15pm]
[ mood | good ]

hey everyone...hahah everyone cause theres an audience of people that read this...well i know i havent updated lately..sorry...but ill do my best now. ummm i started school a couple weeks ago...i love it...classes rock and the people are kool too...josh is a homo from jersey...so cute...he reminds me of anthony. i love it. i need to take him out though he hasnt bben to a bar out here yet. umm i like all the art..so thats good. work is work. still looking for a new job.luis wants me to move with him. and i would but i know i cant afford it. once i get a new job and get caught up on my loan payments then i would be able to to but until then ...theres no way. ive steadily grown closer to the group. fredo especially...hes someone i can trust now...so thats good. kinda jealous though...ty has jason...fredos talking to ky and that seems to be going well..i want somebody...not just to want somebody but to share my life with..the good the bad the in between...i have my eye on people...i was telling alyssa tonight that im getting the lonely point...i used to be alone..and completly fine with it...but now im starting to feel lonely...missing having someone to talk to and be with...iono its wierd...lol its funny cause little does she know...shes one of the people i have my eye on....we had a good conversation tonight...we talked about a bunch of different stuff and were going to go to the beach with mario but he decided to go to dinner instead.... oh well...hahah its crazy cause i had my eye on her since i met her with rachel but she was with someone and then i found her xanga through rachels and started reading and leaving her messages...then she IMed me tonight and we started talking...hahaha im such a freakin dork. but anyways...hopefully i will talk to her tomorrow...shes single luckily...kinda talking to someone....but not taken. so i might have a chance who knows....ummm tomorrow im suppost to go out with fredo steph ty and jason after work...i told them i didnt want to go cause i dont have the money...but they didnt like that excuse. unfortunatly they take it as i dont want to see them...which is completly untrue...i love them and always want to see them...but sometimes i just dont want them to pay for me...i dont want to be a bother to them to have to worry about whether or not im covered or not....its just too much of a pain...but oh well i guess ill have to suck it up this time. well thats all for now....work in the morning so i need some sleep...fredo said he would call me...but i knew he wouldnt cause he would be enjoying himself too much... till next time....kisses !

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[19 Jul 2004|11:37pm]
[ mood | discontent ]

hey guys...lately ive been kinda busy...i started school last week...i like it so far...and for me thats big...unfortunatly as one thing gets better other things get worse...not very happy other then school...work sucks..i have GREAT friends that i dont get to see..then i have people i associate with that i get to see all the time...how is that fair...im alone and lonely..yes theres a difference...and home sucks ass...for many different reasons... luckily my friensd are happy...and that keeps me sane..and with something to look forward to. so since im not in the best of moods im just gonna post a song...enjoy:

On Love, In Sadness
Jason Mraz

Oh love it's a brittle madness, I sing about it in all my sadness
It's not falsified to say that I found god so inevitably well,
It still exists pale and fine. I can't dismiss
And I won't resist and if I die well at least I tried

And we just lay awake in lust and rust in the rain
And pour over everything we say we trust
It happened again, I listened in thru hallways and thin doors
Where the rivers unwind, rust and in the rain endure.
The rust and the rain are sins
And I'm in like Flynn again

So go on place your order now cause some other time is right around the clock
You can stand in line. it finally begins just around the clock
You can have your pick if your stomach is sick whether you eat or not
And there is just one thing that I never forgot

And we just lay awake in lust and rust in the rain
And pour over everything we say we trust
It happened again, I listened in thru hallways and thin doors
Where the rivers unwind, rust and in the rain so easy
These are the comforts that be

You see well I'm feeling lucky oh well, maybe that's just me
You should be proud of me oh hell if you could only see
That we're gonna grow on up to be, ah yes
We are thick as thieves

Oh love it's a brittle madness, I sing about it in all my sadness
It's not falsified to say that I found god
Inevitably, well it still exists pale and fine I can't dismiss
And I won't resist and if I die well at least I tried

And we just lay awake in lust and rust in the rain
And pour over everything we say we trust
It happened again, I listened in thru hallways and thin doors
Where the rivers unwind and the rust and the rain endure
(the rust and the rain endure. I'm sure.)

I am insofar to know the measure of love isn't loss
Love will never ever be insofar to know the measure of love isn't loss
Love will never ever be lost on me.
Love will never ever be lost on me.

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[06 Jul 2004|11:35am]
[ mood | aggravated ]

so after recent events and recent conversations i have come to a new conclusion: sunday afternoon i was asked what the one thing is that pushes me over the edge...the one thing that makes me so mad that i just take it out on everyone else.....well i think i might have figured that out....its when one person doesnt believe how much you care for them and how much just seeing there face for a few hours or just being able to sleep in the same room with them means. theres always a point to doing something most of the time its just to see someone you havent seen in a while and arent going to be able to see in a while but if you push that away then you dont understand how much the care for you.

i dont know how not to be mad....it hurt so much when he did that....it didnt matter that even though we were all tired we were still sitting there laughing and waiting for him to get there....that was gonna be the last time i was gonna get to see him in a while...the last time i was gonna get to see everyone in a while....and he turned around and went home...hmmm...what does that say.

i was excited and happy cause we had gone to his house and i saw his room....he had a picture of me next to his bed....and all the things i gave him....my letter next to his computer....just little things that made me feel special....but who knows maybe they met nothing.

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[03 Jul 2004|02:48am]
[ mood | drunk ]

damn the PAPOV vodka....eh oh well i had a fuckin blast...hahahah.....now only if i had a girl.... *sigh*

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[02 Jul 2004|12:52pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]

Feeling Time : So for a while now i have been getting closer and closer to Fredo Jayson and even Ty for that matter. They have become my boys. I love them all dearly. It just sucks for me that im so far from them. I dont get to hang out with them most of the time. Fredo and Jayson live so close that they could hang out whenever they want to. And they do. Steph and Ty hang out all the time with Lynn. So im the one left home alone hanging out with myself. I wish that i could change that some how. I want to move to the valley. Or at least have my own car and a good job so that i can go see them whenever i want to. Again i feel like the odd ball out. Now i know that its a feeling that im gonna have until i am completly my own person and not dependent on anyone. Unfortunatly i dont see that happening for a while. I wrote fredo a letter a couple weeks ago. Just cause i was bored. He said he would write me back. I dont believe him. He has written everyone else something. Even steph....huh....God how i wish that didnt bother me. Im scared to talk to him about whats going on in my head...im afraid he will critisize it....and prove im just being dramatic....thats why i keep everything inside....but its all good he does the same.

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[01 Jul 2004|12:17am]
[ mood | indifferent ]

InstaUpdate: SAN FRANCISCO PRIDE (the adventure of a life time including me fredo ty jayson steph luis kriste michael and anthony, cameos by chris and jenn)

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So that was my weekend away.....this morning i got up and missed having everyone there with me...i was all alone and it was kinda awkward.....so i got up at 1 and showered and ate while talking to ty...then called stef and fredo started dinner and talked to them for a while...thought aobut alot while on the phone with them .....so i got quiet....hung up when my dad got home...told him about my weekend and then left to get my check. drove to work got my check, went to see my mom gave her money, got food and ice cream then came home. talked to fredo for a little while...he reminded me i still have his atm cards...he didnt know i had both of them....hahahah......he talked to jayson and decided to meet him at oasis so he left....then i started talkind to kris luis and michael......noticed that i was still depressed....and i know exactly why....but thats a whole different entry....lets just say things will be changing soon....and i will have a hard time handling these changes....lol

thats all for now....more later...maybe even more about what im thinking....hahhhaha who knows...

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Look Im Loveable [15 Jun 2004|11:04am]
How to make a mellowcsunstar

3 parts friendliness

3 parts courage

3 parts energy
Blend at a low speed for 30 seconds. Serve with a slice of lovability and a pinch of salt. Yum!
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Play sausage! Who has the longest? [14 Jun 2004|05:42pm]
{length:44}-{nightway}-{w23}-{cherita}-{goldy_kin}-{besyonya}-{alexej}-{ivand}-{ta_tochka}-{gosha}-{candelabra}-{nikon_nlg}-{dziro}-{ven_ture}-{xnrrn}-{allegroconmolto}-{soulscode}-{glassapples}-{traveller}-{shaenie}-{tamila}-{bad_cookie} - {shootsonones} - {littlesabby} - {aurenfaie} - {shoujonomori} - {drake_anaya} - {pixelatedkitten} - {chlorophyta} - {subsidaryforge} - {nadum} - {keenawynde} - {serenadesha} - {shewaselectric} - {angelamaria} - {checkerberry} - {kumot} - {yodaamidala} - {clashdown} - {twentee_six} - {bohemiancharm} - {kanani} - {azzz} - {elstevo} - {mellowcsunstar}
To join, enter your nickname and press the button. The sausage will post itself automatically.
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created by nightway
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[11 Jun 2004|01:11pm]
You guys have to see the CUTEST SMILE EVER....hahahah theres two...one from a grown Man and the other from a baby....hahah enjoy

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[11 Jun 2004|01:04pm]
[ mood | irritated ]

Hahahah i havent updated in a while....so this post is just pictures...have fun....oh they are my loves....hahahha MUAH

LovesCollapse )

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[07 Jun 2004|10:24pm]
[ mood | content ]

Weekend Events: well as some of you know sunday was kristies birthday...so we had her weekend and it was fun as hell...Collapse )

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[03 Jun 2004|02:14am]
[ mood | depressed ]

Ok ready for this shit...so i havent talked to lancia in who knows how long...well she showed up at hamburger marys last night...with her ex and her exs new thing....obviously she wasnt very happy....but we didnt talk all night...i didnt care .....well when i got home tonight this is what i found...

i'm sorry for the things i said. I'm an idoit i know that now. For what it's worth i don't want to hate people and turn my back on people because i don't want them to do that same to me. I never knew what heartbreak felt like til now, it's hard to relate to someone if you don't know what their going through and how it feels to have your heartbroken. I know that now, it took me a while but i know now. And whether or not you wanna talk again it doesn't matter, i can understand, but i guess i'm doing this for myself, trying to give myself a clean conscience. to Say i'm sorry to the people i left behind, to the people i made cry and to everyone i hurt. I'm just tried of feeling bad, i'm tried of feeling like an outcast, but i know this isnt the rest of my life, that i'll lose friends and gain new ones that fine but i don't want enemies.

I dont know what to do with that right now ill process it in the morning.....too much to deal with right now...for now i worry about fredo....hes more important....LOVE YOU BABE!!!

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[27 May 2004|01:50am]
[ mood | jealous ]

wow....i think i might be a little jealous of toi and kashinsky....i miss that...the couple thing....hmmmm...sad...

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[27 May 2004|01:36am]
[ mood | cheerful ]

Hey all...whats everyone up to???? well right now im sitting here at my aunts house...im helping her clean...and earning extra cash...lol....my day was pretty mellow i walked to the store to get some smokes....on the way i talked to Fredo...that was fun...we just talked about random stuff....then i talked to Jayson....such a sweet heart...i love hanging out with him...too bad we cant do it more often....then i came over here....and me and my cousin hung out for a while...burnt some DVDs...then fixed the computer....then i called fredo back cause he doesnt know how to return peoples phone calls....and told him that jayson does like him....told him he was just being stupid....hahah so we talked some more....till his phone died....which gave him a reason to get off the phone...bastard....LOL...no but i love him...hes hot too....hhahahaha...he keeps saying we should date....one day im gonna take him seriously...and we are gonna date...LOL...yeah....right.....no but sadly hes probably one of the only guys i could see myself dating...so....oh well...sucks for me...anyways....Mario never called me today...thats unlike him...hes probably going into a down...espcially since his brother moved back....poor baby....ummm....but yeah thats about all for today....as the days go on i tend to feel lonelier and lonelier....sucks but i gotta get used to it.... :(

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FREDO.... [25 May 2004|04:28pm]
Fredo...you will like these....

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